If there’s one day in the year that never fails to trigger me, it’s New Year’s Eve. For me, it’s always been a day of reckoning - truth-telling. I can feel excited about the possibilities of a brand new year on the horizon and at the same time be acutely aware of what feels off in my life.

What has felt off (and also surprising) is how lonely I’ve been feeling this year. Yes, you heard me. Lonely.

It’s a hard thing to admit. There have been days I’ve had to hold back what feels like an avalanche of tears when talking to a friend on the phone. Feeling so much emotion, but not allowing myself to go there. Admitting you feel lonely smacks of weakness and not being in control of your life. Loneliness always comes with shame - the shame that something is defective with you. Something went wrong in your life.

I’ve been baffled and curious why I find myself in this lonely place. I, the gregarious one, the introvert who loves being alone, never shy of talking to people. I, the connector, the one who brings people together. Me who puts herself out there. Me, who signs up for classes to meet people. Me who is warm and kind. Me, the life coach!

And yet despite all of that, despite all that I am, I have been feeling lonely.

Loneliness is not a good place to be - there’s a clear link between loneliness and physical health. People die of loneliness. But there has been an upside to my loneliness because I’ve always believed that my negative emotions are like the oil light in my car that warns me that something needs my immediate attention, that I’ve somehow wandered off my right road and driven into a dangerous neighborhood. How kind is the design!

And so in my effort to shake off this loneliness, there’s no place to go but to go deep.

Why am I feeling this way?

What has caused this onset of sadness and despair?

What am I actually lonely for?

What I’m discovering - and yes, I’m still in the muddy and messy waters of my loneliness - is that I’m bored. And I cannot tell you how wonderful this is to know. The loneliness of boredom.

And the deeper question: Why am I bored? Why am I feeling uninspired?

What I am seeing is that my “oil light” of boredom and loneliness are clear indicators that while getting caught up in the busyness of life - like moving from the US to Ireland! - I’ve also managed to create a life where I’m constantly busy settling into my new life - moving to another country is all-consuming which is why I purposefully decided to take a sabbatical from my work while making this move.

I’ve always enjoyed my own company and loved being alone. But I’ve discovered that when I don’t have creative work and my days are filled with mundane busyness, that’s when I feel lonely. And it appears that I’ve kinda lost sight of what lights me up - and for me there’s nothing more lonely than losing my way in life - of waking up every day feeling bored.

In the same way that explorers depend on the fixed North Star when no other landmarks are in sight - they use the North Star as their compass to guide them when they are lost. We also have built-in compasses. They can show up as negative emotions - boredom has always been a red light for me. I have a low threshold for boredom. These compasses are built into our brains and bodies. Don’t be afraid of them. They are there to guide us.

The experts will tell us that loneliness comes from not having friends or being part of a community. And there is so much truth and wisdom in this advice. No one wants to be left out of the tribe.

But I believe that to become a vital member of any tribe we first have to be our own best friend. Have you ever been with friends and still felt completely lonely? I have. There’s a big difference being with people when you feel lonely or feel lit up by your own life. So yes, we need friends, but first, we need to become our own best friend.

What does it mean to NOT be your own best and true friend?

Could it be that…

we’re missing a deep connection with our true selves?

we spend our days in busyness and neglect our dreams?

we put the needs of others ahead of our own needs?

We’re missing our own alignment?

we’ve lost connection with what truly lights us up and puts a spring in our step?

we are afraid to declare our core desires in life and so we keep ourselves busy?

we resist challenging the beliefs that hold us back from our ideal life?

Whatever the cause of your loneliness know that you are not alone. Even life coaches get lonely. Know that it’s your own alignment you are missing. And only you can give yourself that gift.

There’s a brand new year ahead. Another year where you will try to find your right life - your deepest sense of purpose.

Let this be a year to give YOU back to yourself. Pay attention to your warning lights - they are the good friend you long for and a friend who will always follow you and set you on the right road.